How-to Series: How to Help Your Children Deal with Divorce or Separation

Transcript

Keep adult issues away from the children

Hi, I'm Regina Campbell from The Campbell Law Group. We're here today to bring you another how-to video in our how-to series. Today we're going to talk to you about how to help your children deal with divorce and separation. I'm going to give you a couple of tips on how to talk to them, what you might be able to say to them, and also what you should not say to them.

So, rule number one: do not talk to the children about specifically adult issues related to the divorce or the separation. Don't ask them their opinion: "Do you think Daddy should go there, or Mommy should go here?" Do not involve them in adult discussions. No matter how mature a child may seem, they cannot be mature enough to understand the gravity of what's going on or the separation of the issues.

It is really best to, first of all, talk to your spouse or the other parent about how you're going to discuss the divorce or separation. Sometimes you may even want to go to a co-parenting counselor or a therapist in order to have this discussion and figure out the best way to talk about the issue with your child or your children.

Present a unified front

Keep in mind that all children are different. They have different personalities, different developmental stages, different ways of dealing with stress. So it's best to find a personalized approach, either to talk to each child separately or potentially together.

A unified front would be the best way to talk. So if the mother and the father can be together when they talk about the divorce and separation, talk about how the children are loved no matter where they are, and that they continue to have a mother and a father. And maybe, if you have some details and the therapist thinks it's a good idea to do so, you might say, "Okay, well, Dad's going to move two miles down the road. He's going to be able to pick you up and do this." Put it into a positive light.

Encourage the children to talk to the parents, too. Sometimes they may feel like they have to pick a parent, or they may feel like one parent was at fault for the divorce or separation, and lash out at that parent. It's very important for both parties to keep a united front, to make sure the children do not think it's one parent's fault or the other's. It's about the children's health and growth. The children do not need to know these adult ideas or concepts, so as much as you can keep that away from them, that would be good to do.

Watch how your children react

Once again, keep an eye on what the children do after the fact. Watch for telltale behavior of how they're reacting. If you have a child that's not reacting, one that's normally reactive or an emotional child, you may want to be concerned, because they're not quite internalizing or processing it. And a lot of those things left unsaid or undone or not understood can do more harm to a child.

Sometimes you're going to have children acting out, and they're going to start to misbehave, and it might be for attention or out of fear. So you're going to have to understand how to react, and you need to have, once again, a united front on how to deal with this. Do not punish a child for this kind of behavior. Try to get to the bottom of it. It's really not about the child. A lot of times, behavioral issues are a cry for help, so this is something you want to recognize.

This is a very traumatic situation no matter what. Even in the best of circumstances, divorce and separation can be very hard on children, especially if it requires them to change schools, change cities or states. Their life may change very significantly, where they may not be able to have the same type of extracurricular activities. These are all things you want to take into consideration when you are talking to the children and talking to the other parent about how this is going to work.

Plan ahead and watch for manipulation

The other major suggestion that I have for you is, of course, have these discussions and hammer it out, so to speak, with your partner or the other parent ahead of time. Be ready to field questions, and do not under any circumstances seem as if you're blaming one party, or as if one parent's style is better than the other's.

And by the way, keep a watch out for manipulation, because some children's reaction is, "Ooh, good. They're going to feel guilty. So I'll ask Dad for this, and then Mom will get mad, and Dad will give me what I want, and Mom will kick and scream." They potentially can drive a further wedge between both of you. So in general, whether you're getting divorced or separated or still married, it's never a good idea to allow children to divide and conquer, I guess. And they can be pretty good at it, so keep an eye on that.

Build a support system

So I hope these tips are helpful. They're more generalized, just to get you to understand the children's natures and the weight of these types of discussions, and how they cannot be taken lightly. They should be thought through and executed as best as possible. As we all know as parents, that doesn't always happen as we plan. But just be ready for it, and have a support system, where maybe the parents and grandparents can be helpful. They can show that there's a unified front. Maybe they're coming over more often. Something that's going to help the children transition, especially if they have to change schools or have any major uprooting.

So hopefully these tips have been helpful, and I've given you a couple of tips on how to help children deal with divorce and separation. If you ever need any help, by all means, let us know. I'd be really glad to assist you. We often work on a collaborative approach, and we also work a lot with therapists and other professionals to ensure the best transition for the family, which includes the children, of course.

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